Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
