This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
