Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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