so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
