Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize