The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
