i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Randomize
