I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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