There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
everyone is single if you try hard enough
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
