i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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