My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize