Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
