You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
