Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
