I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Sorry my hands just texted you
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
