I cannot find my penis.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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