She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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