Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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