i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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