I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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