I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
