So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
