The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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