we made out on top of his cat.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
