Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
