I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
time to smoke my breakfast
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
