he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
