Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
