Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
