I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
