Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
