i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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