Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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