found the other keg... it's in the tree
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
