I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
