Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
