I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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