Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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