so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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