someone threw a dead crab at me
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
