You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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