My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
