for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
