Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
