I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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