hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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