Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
