He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
