fuck your aforementioned shoe
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
