super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
