I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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