ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
