Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
