I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
