I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Randomize
